Suddenly she realized how truly unhappy, bitter, angry, frustrated, slightly depressed, weak, lost, scared and confused she really was. She was a short fuse exploding at the most sensitive to harsh usages. Her life plagued by years of pain and disappointment. Struggles, emotional abandonment, scarcity, lack, witnessing violence and abuse, betrayal, loss, grieving the living and the dead, enslaved to victim consciousness, enslaved to the past, enslaved to desolate circumstances, enslaved to people’s opinions of her, a prisoner in her own mind unaware that she had the keys and any other resource to free her from these psychological binds. She was fucked up mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. To this day, she wonders how she was even able to navigate through life with such a load heavy and barren enough to break someone or something in half the moment they attempt to carry it.
Perhaps, it was the life she pushed out her womb in August of 2012 that gave her some hope, restored her cold, faintly beating heart and whenever she looked at the life she sprung into this world, she knew she could never give up, that she could never leave this precious, innocent life alone in this world. So she kept living and buried all of that pain she was carrying deep within her and covered it by developing a relationship with God and the church, working, a very mild social life, college, law of attraction books and pure avoidance and ignorance. However, nothing stays covered forever, and eventually trash rots and leaves an unbearable smell that can no longer be avoided. She was also unaware that everything she ever experienced was somewhat ordained according to her blueprint for life. A dream and exploration for her soul to transcend and journey here on this plane. Her waking up was inevitable, it was divinely orchestrated, destined in some sense and ironically, she couldn’t be happier.
She left the prison of victim consciousness behind. She doesn’t even feel that it’s necessary to persecute all who wrongly betrayed her. She knows that she was never perfect and has done and said things she wish she could take back. So this allows her to not only beg for the forgiveness of those she did wrong but she has learned to hold a space of unconditional love and understanding for people who betrayed and hurt her because she knows that at that time they were hurting and dealing with a pain so deep that the only way for them to cope was to inflict. They didn’t know any better, and the ones who did, she still extend love, forgiveness and understanding to them. She woke up and realized victim consciousness chained her to the past, initiated her into believing stories that felt like a curse upon her life. It was as if she walked through life with her eyes and mouth covered so she wouldn’t be able to see how she played a role in her own life being the way it was. She was afraid to express her true emotions and feelings about everything because she believed that no one cared. She actually lived through moments where her life experiences were undermined by people close to her so she shut down even more than before. Everything was “they did this”, “they did that”, “why me”, “why does bad things always happen to me”, “how could she”, “how could he”; but then she woke up and started saying “how could I”. She became honest with herself and begin taking accountability for her actions. She became responsible for her own life. Suddenly, there was no ‘them”, it was only ‘I’.
She woke up and started being uncomfortably vulnerable with herself. She saw what really needed to be changed, healed, forgiven and released in her life. She discovered that personal ownership is real power that leads to ultimate fulfillment. She realized there was no one or nothing to blame, including herself. Then, she became even more free. She woke up and understood what was really important in her life. She begin creating a new and solid foundation to place her principals on. She begin working on herself for years solidifying the new paradigm that was initiated into her new life. She woke up and changed her perception of fear, the past, the future, doubt, lack, God, Goddess, people, family, friends, motherhood, romance, love, pain, masculine, patriarchy, feminine, death, rebirth and beginnings.
She woke up and made the decision to say yes to her new life, her calling, a clean slate, to surrender herself to the unknown and the known. She woke up and realized she has nothing to lose but everything to gain from trusting and accepting her destiny. She isn’t afraid of who she is and she’s not ashamed by who she was, what she did and what she allowed. She woke up and realized that only she can affirm her ‘I am’. She woke up to her sovereignty, to her innate strength, her inherent gifts, to being as courageous as life needs her to be. She woke up to Love, to light, to darkness, to fear, to heal, to forgive and let go of what no longer serves her. She woke up to her connection to the Spirit and animal realm and all other lovingly light-filled luminous beings from other dimensions and planes. She is now Free, She is open and a mystery. She knows not everybody will understand her, let alone fathom her light but she doesn’t care. She woke up and chose to continue shining anyway. She woke up and chose to really start living her own life the way she desires to. She woke up Awakened; ready to Heal, ready to Transform, ready to Serve, and most importantly, ready to Love.
*You ever stopped and thought “Wow, I prayed for this. It’s here. It’s really happening,”* Unknown.
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